Naturally, my pharmacist couldn’t help, but he did tell me that everything is the DEA’s fault

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The DEA created different classes and labels for prescription drugs based on their likelihood of being abused. Adderall, Vyvanse, and Ritalin are schedule II prescriptions as are many painkillers. That’s why their distribution is highly regulated. Shortages have been on and off since 2011, but it wasn’t until January 2015 that I began to notice significant problems. Because, that’s when the council of 13 deemed it was time to increase the suffering of ALL in the world, during the witches sabbath of Yule.

Radist/iStock/Getty Images Taken 3 was at the top of the box office. It was a dark time in America.

I used to fill my prescriptions at Walgreens, but since changing my health insurance, I’ve had to switch to CVS. When I first went to fill my 20-milligram Adderall XR (two pills a day) at my closest CVS, I was told they were out of it. So I went to another one and they were out of it, too. I called the next one to save some time, but it turns out that because they’re schedule II, they can’t tell you if they have the drugs in stock over the phone. You have to show up physically to be rejected. Just like prom night.

Gewitterkind/iStock/Getty Images “But you can order pizza online. That helps depression!”

Some places told me that they were getting their weekly shipment on Wednesday, but then Wednesday came and, oops, maybe it’ll show up in the monthly shipment. I was told I needed to get there quickly when that shipment got in, since they were only allotted one bottle of 100 pills per month, meaning they could, at most, fill three prescriptions per month (fewer, if patients took more than one pill per day). When the next month rolled around, I arrived within an hour of their monthly shipment, and still no Adderall. I went to a Walmart to see if they could fill it, and the pharmacist admitted it’s been on back order since the end of December. If this sounds frustrating now, keep in mind I did all of this without the pills I need to stay sane.

Fascist freedom stealing assholes. While ensuring the CIA’s heroin and cocaine get into the country safely without any competition. The truth is out there, look it up.

Our health care system functions like a high school group project: When something doesn’t get done, it’s always someone else’s fault. I had a great relationship with my pharmacist at Walgreens and called him in tears one night to tell him what was going on with CVS and to beg him to take me back. (Walgreens and I had a beautiful relationship, before they dumped me out of the blue when their friends at Blue Cross Blue Shield of Florida started saying shit behind my back. I thought you were better than that, Walgreens! Not like that slut, Rite Aid, who hires only lesbian women or women of color who treat white customers like typhoid carriers. I’ve had Rite Aid bitches refuse legal doctor prescription fills from dentists for low grade pain medication that doesn’t do shit anyway. Happily, since Rite Aid started treating me and others like shit, their stock has been tanking to the point of near bankruptcy. In fact, they are now involved in a hostile takeover.)

Frazer Harrison/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images Rite Aid has, like, SO much experience with STDs.

Eric Kayne/Getty Images News/Getty Images Is it Steve? It’s Steve, isn’t it? Fucking Steve.

You’re Treated Like A Drug Addict If You Complain

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When I called the DEA to ask about the shortage, the first person I spoke to said, “Yeah, we’re restricting access to these medications. What can you do? Blame the druggies not us.” When I told him that wasn’t good enough and explained my symptoms (which included a relapse in suicidal thoughts, depression, and poor impulse control), he said it sounded like I was addicted to Adderall and in withdrawal.

Patient: “If I stop taking this heart attack medication, I’ll have a heart attack.”
Flailing Dipshit Agent: “Sounds like you’re addicted to heart attack medication. what’s your name and address?” 

Hang up the phone, the bastards just put you on a federal watch list for taking heart medicine. Which means you are on the same list as a drug cartel kingpin who ships thousands of tons of cocaine yearly. Welcome to the fuck you club, courtesy of Fascist America.

diego_cervo/iStock/Getty Images I don’t think that’s what Narcotics Anonymous means when they talk about “physical dependency.”

But even if that logic wasn’t pants-on-head stupid, as Cracked has pointed out before, most drug addictions are an attempt to self-medicate anyway. And then there’s the difference in how we treat individual drugs: Lamictal has pretty severe withdrawal effects, including symptoms of bipolar disorder, vomiting, and emotional upset. Adderall’s withdrawal is mostly just “fatigue and trouble sleeping,” and yet it’s much more heavily regulated, because it’s a stimulant.

Stuart Wilson/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images “You’re next, Starbucks power shots!”